Our Changing World

There has been intense speculation and build up leading to the declaration of Palestinian Statehood. One of the Israelis in our program was called back to duty and we were warned to stay alert and away from any protests. I don't exactly know what I expected, but it came and went with no obvious evidence. The one thing I did notice was an increase in dialogue. People all around me began, or perhaps continued, a thoughtful conversation about the conflict. Many people I've spoken to seem to be in favor of a Palestinian state. By no means am I saying that this is the consensus throughout Israel and I am very aware that I am surrounded by very young, very liberal, like minded individuals and I am hearing only one perspective. While I continue to educate myself and attempt to formulate my own opinion, I have become undeniably aware of my discomfort of anything (conversation, article, observation, ect) critical of Israel. 

It seems that Jews living in Israel are able to separate the sacred from the secular in that they can differentiate between criticisms about Israel from judgement of the Jewish people living there. Coming from America, there is a sense of unity and connectedness between Jews and Israel to the point that I perceive any negative comment about Israel as anti-Semetic. Despite considering myself a humanist, above all, and believing to some degree that the Palestinians are entitled to their own country, I avoid reading any articles that condemn Israel. I have also struggled in this sense when it comes to formulating my own opinions about Israel as a country. I have observed many things that leave me uncomfortable and unsettled. I have held back from sharing these observations or even analyzing them on my own because I am concerned that acknowledging shortcomings in Israel will somehow make me a bad Jew. My decision to live here was rooted in discovering the "real" Israel. As someone who was seriously considering making Aliyah, it was important to me to see the country for everything it is- the good, bad and ugly. However, I've been so hung up on the bad and the ugly, yet unwilling to process and move past them, that I am unable to see the good. 

I feel very lost here. I've probably said this already, but I definitely underestimated how much the language barrier would impact me. I  struggle to communicate with the people around me; I'm never sure where I'll end up when I get on a bus; I don't know what kind of meat I'm buying in the grocery store. On top of struggling with my internal dilemmas and being terribly homesick, I'm completely and utterly lost in this place I'm living. By no means do I regret my decision. I am very happy to be doing something new. Every day is challenging and engaging and pushing me to grow. Sometimes growth is hard... 

This entry ended up being much heavier than I intended but this is something that has been weighing on me since I've gotten here and I've finally been willing to articulate it. I'll make sure to put some happier, more positive updates up sometime this week!

Site Visits and Update

I've spent the past week and a half visiting different volunteering sites, continuing my ulpan studies and exploring Tel Aviv a little more. Ulpan is not going so well, although a bit of that may have to do with the fact that I've sort of given up. The more Hebrew I learn, the worse my English gets. It is quite frustrating to be mediocre in two languages and feel like I'm a stand still and not improving. I think I'll get a little better as I enter my volunteering sites and have no choice but to learn and adapt. I should probably study a little more (or at all) but I'm a little too emotionally unstable right now to actively choose to feel defeated by an alef.

I've felt homesick the past few days. The reality of my situation continues to sink in and I realize that I'm going to be here a while. I'm missing my friends (ALLIY!), my family, my own stuff, and Chipotle. I often consider what I'd be doing at a particular moment if I was still living in Denver. I try to stay busy and engaged in what I'm doing because I am very happy to be here and want to focus on the wonderful things I'm experiencing. I love everyone in my program, have incredible house mates, the great support staff of Tikkun Olam, meaningful volunteering sites to choose from, and I'm living in a dynamic and seemingly endless city.

I've had a few interesting experiences that have made me stop and think about where I am and how different it is from Denver. Exciting things include spending Shabbat at the beach, shopping at the shuks, dancing until 3 am in the outdoor clubs, wandering unfamiliar streets only to stumble upon something I recognize from my first trip. People will speak to me in Hebrew and I often have to respond with a blank stare and an apologetic "Lo ivrit. Anglit?" I may feel clueless and lost, but apparently I look like I fit in. The thought of making aliyah is in the back of my mind at all times and some moments I feel like it's the obvious choice but often I just feel sad because the pieces just don't... fit. I know it will be something I struggle with the entirety of my time here, when I'm back home, and probably for a long time. I'm not sure how to formulate my thoughts about it yet. Perhaps a blog for another time.

My volunteer site visits went so well and, as predicted, I am faced with a very hard choice...

Holland House- School/rehabilitation center for children ages 1-3 with special needs. Loving staff, sweet children and a very cool facility that includes a relaxation room that is dark, totally padded, filled with incredible visual displays of light tubes and glowing ball pits. It sounds very weird, but I promise it was a super cool room and the kiddos I saw in it seemed to love it.

Mesila- An organization that assists migrant workers living in Israel. One of the things they do is offer training to women who run unofficial childcare programs out of their houses. Children can be enrolled in public school starting at age 3 but childcare until then is often expensive so these women provide a valuable service to the immigrant community. I absolutely fell in love with the house I visited. It was literally a house filled with babies who just wanted love and attention. I had a very hard time pulling myself away from the site.

Center for Disabled Adults- A residence for adults ranging 20-60 who have suffered a traumatic incident that has left them disabled and incapable of caring for themselves but are too young to be placed in a traditional elderly treatment center. I really appreciated their mission and it seemed like a great place for the people they served. I felt uncomfortable there but kept reminding myself how much I would want something like that for myself if I was in a similar situation.

Save a Child's Heart- One of the visits that truly touched me and an organization I strongly recommend everyone read up on- (http://www.saveachildsheart.org/). The organization brings children from all over the world to Israel for heart surgery. They host the children, family and nurses for several months as they prepare for and recover from their surgeries. Simply beautiful.

I visited several other great sites and really enjoyed meeting so many individuals who have committed themselves to such worthy causes and I am very excited to get involved and begin really becoming a part of Tikkun Olam!

Mah?

Greetings from the Holy Land! It has been a hectic week, although it feels like it's been several months worth of experiences. I spent the first several days traveling to Israel by way of New Jersey and Brussels. My wonderful family in Jersey took some time away from bailing buckets of water from their hurricane flooded basement to host me before I left for Israel. It was a break from the stress and compulsive planning that filled the weeks leading up to my departure. I had a 10 hour layover in Brussels and took the opportunity to explore in Europe. Brussels was quite charming and I had half a mind to stay there and spend the next several months drinking wine and eating chocolate on the patio of a cafe.

Brussels

I arrived in Israel very very late/early on Thursday and spent my first night sleeping on the rooftop patio of one of the Kiryat Shalom apartments. Tel Aviv is more humid than I recalled and the heat was unbearable. The next night was spent on the roof as well. After a short orientation day we drove 4 hours south to Kibbutz Ketura, which is also home to the Arava Institute for Environmental Studies. We spent the weekend continuing our orientation and bumming around the kibbutz, which had the most delightful pool! I opted to go to the Shabbat service hosted by the kibbutz which I was shocked to find out was completely in Hebrew. Go figure, right? I've definitely had a few "uh, DUH" moments since I've been here and each one is more humbling than the last.

Protestor at the Million Man March in Eilat

 I'm adjusting with the elegance and grace we've all come to expect from me. It has definitely been difficult. It's a new place- new streets, grocery stores, bus lines, language, food, expectations, ect. I began Ulpan classes today. We spent 4 hours in the class- the first was spent talking almost entirely in Hebrew. I can only say a few things in Hebrew- please, thank you, yes, no, you're handsome, you're a toilet, where is the toilet... Being immersed in a totally foreign language is frustrating and quite damaging to the psyche. I felt like a small child again, without the same ability or freedom to experiment and make mistakes with the new language I am acquiring. This is the first time in quite some years that I've allowed myself to try something I do not immediately understand or do well with. I am determined to succeed and fully intend to work my butt off.

I begin visiting possible volunteer sites tomorrow and am already concerned about the difficult choices I have in my future. Although I will visit 8 sites, I will only choose 2 or 3 to spend my time with. I am particularly excited about several sites- A nursing home for disable young adults, The Holland House which is a center for children ages 1-3 with special needs, Save a Child's Heart which aims to provide quality cardiac care for children from around the world, and Hagar and Miriam which assists new mothers from the refugee and asylum community that I am living very close to. I imagine each volunteering site will evoke very powerful and undeniable emotions, which I am looking forward to feeling.

Tel Aviv is more secular than I realized and I am feeling a disconnect from the passion I felt last time I was here. I have had little time to actively seek out spiritual experiences and I hope to have some free time within the next few weeks to spend in Jerusalem. The adjustment process will continue, I will fall into a schedule, which will be (eagerly) disrupted by the High Holy Days in just a few weeks. I have a feeling these next 5 months will go by very quickly.

Sun set on the Mediterranean Sea in Jaffa