Attitude Adjustment

For those of you who know me (and more specifically- my immune system), it will come as no surprise to you that I've been sick for the better part of the past three weeks. During this time I've spent countless hours in bed, alone with my thoughts. I've analyzed every thought, action, reaction, expectation and emotion I've experienced over the past two months. I've become so good at (over)analyzing that I can often remove myself from the process and observe myself doing it, resulting in an interesting perspective and the ability to analyze my analysis. This hyper awareness is so much a part of who I am that I struggle to stop and actively experience and appreciate my surroundings. I've had a hard time feeling happy since I've gotten to Israel and so much of that has to do with the fact that I've been so deep in my thoughts that I haven't allowed myself to enjoy the reality of my life right now.

I've never lived abroad, or even traveled abroad, so even though I "knew" things would be different here, I never could have prepared myself for just how different everything is. As a person with high expectations and a constant pursuit for perfection, facing a situation so unlike the one I created in my mind is terrifying. Acknowledging the reality, failed expectations and all, can be devastating. It results in the obsessive introspection mentioned above. I could have allowed my experience here to be defined by the first two months of maladjustment and next three months of analyzing my initial reactions. Thankfully, the Tikkun Olam staff is so incredible, my volunteer coordinator  in particular, who encouraged me to take advantage of the times I was feeling healthy and go explore and do things that make me feel good.

I finally got a break from feeling poorly (although not before I had my first experience with the Israeli health care system and their "english speaking" doctors) and decided to venture north to the nicer part of Tel Aviv. I met with a Tikkun Olam alumni I had been emailing with (thanks to our program director, Moshe) who had experienced many of the same difficulties I have been expressing during her time in the program. Despite feeling miserable, confused, lost, isolated, ect her first few months in Israel, she actively chose to make her experience better and it was such a positive change that she made Aliyah after she finished the program. It was overwhelming to feel so validated and something about discussing our shared experiences allowed me to let go of some of the disappointment I've been feeling. We also had a similar emotional timeline, with her making big changes at the beginning of the third month and it was just the push I needed to make those changes myself.

Over the past several days I've gone out of my way to spend time with people I enjoy being around. I'm engaging in thoughtful conversation, going on bike rides, exploring the streets of Tel Aviv, and baking, a lot of baking. I believe that people are capable of change. I'm not sure that I believe I am. I think I will always be analytical, obsessive, have high expectations and be prone to disappointment. I don't adjust well to change or allow it without significant resistance. I'm terribly emotional and particular and will often allow my moods to overcome me. These are things I know about myself, things that I've stopped trying to assign a value to, but have simply learned to be conscious of while going through my life. But I'm seeing a new side of myself. I know it's only been a few days, but my willingness to take ownership of my experience, to acknowledge my unreasonable expectations and move forward, my eagerness to engage in this reality and shape it into something distinctly positive, and my ability to remove myself from my inner monologue and be present for all of these things, allows me to smile and take pride in my personal growth.

I know this is a lesson I will have to learn many times over. I can't imagine that I'll always be brave enough to place myself in new situations, adventurous enough to explore the chaos, humble enough to be aware of my own shortcomings, or resilient enough to work through them. I don't know that I'm any of those things now. I don't know what I am. But I know what I want to be, so I'm doing my best to just be.