This One's for You, Mom

I've gotten requests to update my blog but I'm just not sure what to write about. Writing about my day to day life seems superficial and self absorbed. I want my writing to have substance and depth but I can't seem to get out of my thoughts long enough to figure out what they mean or how I could even begin to articulate them. I don't understand my thoughts, let alone know how to make others understand them. I think that may have a lot of do with my feelings of isolation here in Tel Aviv.

Our group went on a day trip to Jerusalem last week and I was reminded of what initially drew me to Israel. There is a unique energy to the Old City, an energy unique to one of the holiest places in the world. People walk through the streets with a sense of purpose, firmly grounded in the ethereal. Their higher purpose and unrelenting faith is intoxicating and desirable and, when surrounded by the reality of a Torah observant lifestyle, makes me consider my own options.

I've recently started spending time with another American on a different MASA program who shares my dreams/fears of abandoning the secular and diving in completely to a life of religious observation.  We discussed our shared belief that it isn't so much a conscious choice one makes, but a undeniable, overwhelming force that redirects and redefines your life in every way imaginable. I can pinpoint several moments over the past few years in which I've felt this force, not strong enough to make me completely alter my current lifestyle, but enough so to make me uncomfortable and begin to explore the idea. Each of those moments forces me into a deeper level of introspection, with the most recent affecting me so much so that I chose to spend an extended period of time living in Israel.

I suppose my last experience in Israel influenced me to create unrealistic expectations for this trip. Every moment of my Taglit trip was soulful, spiritual and purposeful. Visiting a place and living in it are two entirely different things, and shame on me for not having the foresight to realize that. I have spent most of my 5 weeks here feeling empty and upset that I am unable to feel with the same passion as I did earlier this summer. After the day in Jerusalem, though, I realized that I still do possess those feelings but it is my responsibility to search for them. Life in a VERY secular Tel Aviv is beautiful and holds the possibility for many new experiences. I need to let go of my expectations and enjoy the opportunities I have living in a provocative and exciting city. I also need to embrace the force that is slowly directing me towards a life of religious observation and take it upon myself to become educated and explore a seemingly surreal reality that may one day become the only reality I wish to entertain.